Disappearances and Attitudes

2/1/08

The 2007-08 FCCAA season has been marred with the unexplained disappearances and increased attitude problems by many of the leagues top players. This week marks the latest episode of “Where Did My Top Scorer Go?” with the dismissal of Chico State big man Mike Martin. Martin's FCCAA coach, Bodie, was overheard saying, “Fuck, why me, God, WHY ME??!!!!”, while Chico State Coach Puck Smith simply said that Martin did not fit into the program and was not running the system the way Puck wanted it.

Citing a difference in basketball philosophy, Martin stated, “I just couldn't grasp what he wanted”. Martin was the second leading scorer and top rebounder for the Wildcats, yet Coach Smith believed that “[we can't] trade some numbers for the expense of what is best for our team. The integrity of our program is what I was concerned about.” Martin later said, “with us not winning games, I couldn't abide by coach's system.” This raises the question was Martin creating a lack of integrity or was Chico's woeful record of 5-12 a product of Puck's “system”.

Other disappearances include the loss of Monterey Bay's Ryan McBride when he chose to enter the witness protection program due to a mafioso style incident he witnessed. For the second straight year SFSU's David Van Someron fell off the face of the planet. The whereabouts of CSULA's Louis Hamilton has created a firestorm of conspiracy theories since the abrupt refusal on the part of LA's athletic director to provide any information.

Insider information tells the Marauder Mag that two prominent Pomona players have serious attitude problems that have adversely effected the Broncos this season. French transfer Angelo Tsagarkis and junior forward Larry Gordon have all season fought with each other, refs and coaches. The former D-1 Tsagarkis believes that every time he is touched by another player, it is a foul, while Gordon is certain that he is being dissed by every player on the team if they don't give him the ball.

This unprecedented loss of key CCAA players questions the integrity of the league while shining an unwanted light onto some of the top players.

The Morgan Report

This morning, the eagerly awaited, 80,369 page Morgan Report, was released to the public. The report, concerning the illegal acts allegedly committed by numerous FCCAA teams, leaves no stone unturned

After months of speculation on which teams, coaches, owners and public relations officers would be named, the Morgan Report, headed by Marauders coach Matthew Morgan, has dropped a bomb on the entire Fantasy league.

Every single team and coach was named in some sort of wrong doing by the bi-partisan, unbiased team of investigators put together by coach Morgan. “The entire group stinks of collusion, bribery, monopoly, and coercion,” head investigator Morgan was overheard saying, “except the Marauders, of course. They are the one team upholding the tradition and standard of the FCCAA.”

In all, there were 313 individual violations reported, with T-Bif and coach Justin leading the way with 98 instances of wrong-doing. Teams Baked-Beans and the Otters walked away from this debacle with only 20 and 21 infractions a piece. “The only reason they got off so easily was that they've only been in the group for 4 weeks, not nearly enough time to rack up the crimes,” stated Morgan.

A majority of the damning information was provided by recently deposed FCCAA coach Gordon. After leaving the league earlier this year, he had a couple run-ins with the law and as part of his plea bargain, he named names in a laundry list of accusations towards his former competitors. “Yeah, that Team Bulldog coach was illegally acquired in a Coach-for-Dope swap. We all know that Bulldog owner Chris was in Amsterdam for a period. He was able to smuggle Canadian Pharmaceuticals into the states and trade them for their new 'Wonder-Coach',” said Gordon in his statement to the investigators.

Here is a list of the teams and their typical infractions:

T-Bif: in-team trades, slander and libel from PR dept.

Killer Whales: woeful ineptitude in the drafting process (a minor, but many times repeated offense)

HSF Express: NOT doping his team AND encouraging his players to fight when calls don't go their way (Rick Cardoso, kicked out of a game and suspended for one for fighting)

Heroes: having the ability to turnover more than half of her originally drafted team (under the category of acts against nature)

Boners: wasting other teams times with pleas to “fight the man” and “keep Microsoft Down” (a noble, but ultimately futile AND illegal stance in this Post 911 world)

D2 Dynamos: ignoring the remarks of most other teams, especially when fighting about unimportant stuff.

Although the Marauders were not charged with any violation, they were questioned about the inexplicable disappearance of their much-used Stat-Site. During the intense questioning, it was found that Coach Matt, although clear of any wrong-doing, found that his computer was susceptible a troll virus (“probably created by that tech geek Justin”) that ate up all of his stat info and then puked it out in a garbled, unformed mass of digits, bytes and bits.

While the report is finally published, you can bet that this will not be the end of this terrible blight to the formerly untainted world of Fantasy D2 hoops.